


Never Really Was Enough

by sonofdvrin



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Original Character Death(s), but is talked about, but nothing ever too explicit, happens off screen, oc deals with past homophobia, there's a lot of frank talks about what she dealt with, this also happened in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:15:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23745916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonofdvrin/pseuds/sonofdvrin
Summary: When Eva moves to Raleigh, it wasn't a happy occasion. She needed to get away from her family and moving across the country was the quickest way for her to accomplish that. As she finds her place in Raleigh, she finds a new family with people she never expected to (especially with a certain red-headed hockey player).
Relationships: Dougie Hamilton/Original Character
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6
Collections: Fandom Trumps Hate 2020





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alicejericho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicejericho/gifts).



> This was written as part of FandomTrumpsHate 2020! This was such a joy to write, and I hope you all enjoy it as well <3 Title is taken from "Hurt" by Oliver Tree, which I feel is a well-suited song for this story.

_ “How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?” _

The day Eva packs up and moves to Raleigh isn’t a happy one. Despite having the chance to start an amazing new job, and the chance to start over, she’s bitter about having to do it. The thought of having to make a new start without a support network is terrifying. But if it means that Eva can have a fresh new start, then so be it.

As Eva puts the last box into the U-Haul, she sighs. Moving across the country isn’t exactly how she had planned on getting away from her family, but she also didn’t think that she would be leaving so soon, either. It was a stroke of luck that she had been hired in North Carolina, and it was even better that she had found an apartment she could afford to live in.

Once she starts the long drive, there’s no heartfelt good-byes, and nobody to send her off. Eva has to remind herself that Lucas is long gone now and there’s nothing holding her back anymore. So, she begins what will likely turn into a week-long trip to Raleigh. It’s mostly a mindless drive, with only a few wrong turns. The days blur into each other, and she only stops for gas, food, and the chance to sleep.

By the time she pulls up to her new apartment complex, she feels exhausted and groans at the thought of having to unpack everything by herself. She drags herself to the front office to get checked in. It’s a smooth process, and once she gets the keys, Eva is hoping it doesn’t take all night to get everything moved up to her apartment.

“Hey, are you new here?” someone asks.

Eva turns and there’s a woman, about her age and blonde hair that glows in the sunlight walking over to the U-Haul.

“Yeah, just got in obviously,” Eva answers with a tired smile. “I’m Eva.”

“Samantha, but everyone calls me Sammy,” she introduces. “Are you here by yourself?”

“Yep, it’s just me,” Eva replies. “I couldn’t afford to hire any help, and my family couldn’t make it out, so it’s just me.”

“Ah, so you moved from far away?”

“Across the country,” Eva answers. “I came from Portland. The one in Oregon.”

“Damn, that’s a long-ass drive,” Sammy jokes. “But I think you’ll like it here. The neighbors are good, for the most part.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“I’m guessing this will take you a while, so I should be able to help you once I pick up my boyfriend from the auto shop.”

“Oh, you don’t have to help.”

Sammy snorts. “Please, you’re going to be here for ages. It’ll be no big deal at all. There aren’t a lot of people our age here, so it won’t be too much of a hassle to help out.”

“Well, if it’s not a big deal, then sure, I’d appreciate the help,” Eva replies with a soft smile. “I live in 417 if I’m not down by the truck.”

“See you then, Eva.”

Once Sammy leaves, Eva looks back to everything she has to unpack. She’s thankful that she doesn’t have a bed or couch to worry about, but Eva isn’t happy about having to sleep on the floor until the bed she ordered comes in. Without the help from her family, though, there was no way she was going to be able to get a bed  _ or _ a couch into the moving vehicle.

Eva loses track of time, and by the time Sammy and her boyfriend, Patrick, come by to help, it’s late afternoon. They don’t talk much, but the silence is easy, which Eva is unfamiliar with. It’s been a long time since she felt comfortable not feeling like she had to fill the quietness. By the time dinner time rolls around, they finally have everything in Eva’s apartment.

“Are you going to want help unpacking things?” Sammy asks.

“Nah, this was already so much help. I probably would have spent the rest of the night bringing things up here,” Eva answers. “But thank you again, I really appreciate this.”

“We couldn’t not help someone moving in by themselves,” Patrick says. “It’s a big step, what you did. I don’t think I could ever move across the country by myself.”

Eva shrugs. “If you have to do it, then you manage.”

Both Sammy and Patrick don’t ask for more details, which Eva is grateful for. She’s not really sure if she feels comfortable talking about how she ended up here quite yet.

“So, are you really going to be fine sleeping on the floor?” Patrick asks, a little bit of worry in his voice. “I’m sure we could find something more comfortable for you.”

“Yeah, it’s only for a couple of nights until the delivery comes in,” Eva replies. “I just wasn’t sure when I would be getting here, so I guess I’ll just have to suffer for getting here early.”

Sammy snorts. “Alright, well, if you ever need company, we’re just one floor up. And you know what, give me your number so I can text you good places for takeout. I’m sure that you won’t want to be cooking for the next few days.”

“Oh, thank you, that would be nice,” Eva replies, who was planning on just living off of pizza for the next day or two. “I honestly don’t even know what there’s to do here since I just moved out here for work, so honestly, I’ll take any recommendations you have.”

Once Sammy and Patrick leave, Eva has a new contact in her phone and a list of places to check out around Raleigh. It’s a comfort knowing that she already has people willing to help her out here. She isn’t sure how well she’ll click with people at work and the thought of randomly introducing herself to her other neighbors isn’t an appealing idea.

The following week is a hectic one, with Eva trying to get her apartment to feel like a home and making sure that she’s ready to start work. She meets up with Sammy and Patrick again for dinner one night at their apartment to take a break from unpacking all of her boxes. It wasn’t until she moved that she realized how much stuff she accumulated.

“So, what do you two do for work?” Eva inquires.

“I work in the front office for the Canes,” Sammy answers. “And Patrick here is a kindergarten teacher, which is why you see glitter everywhere.”

“That was  _ one _ time,” Patrick protests. “It’s not my fault it never disappears.”

Sammy snorts. “Yeah, it was a mistake he’s thankfully only made once.”

“Uh, not to sound dumb, but am I supposed to know who the Canes are?” Eva asks, a little nervous. “Are they like…a big company or something?”

“Oh, they’re the NHL team here,” Sammy replies. “I keep forgetting not everyone keeps up with hockey.”

“Well…I guess I’m going to have to start watching it if I’m going to be friends with the two of you,” Eva says. “I’ve only watched one game and that was because it was on at a sports bar my brother and I were at.”

“It’s really not that big of a deal,” Sammy says. “Hockey is fun, but it can be kind of messy sometimes. And I hardly understand it despite working there for a couple years now.”

Eva smiles softly. “Well, in that case, I feel a bit better about not knowing anything.”

“So, what brought you all the way across the country? I don’t think we ever asked,” Patrick inquires. “You don’t have to share if you don’t want to, though.”

“I found a good computer engineering job out this way for a small tech company. My other job just wasn’t cutting it,” Eva explains. “And it was time to get away from the family. Things were…not great, to put things lightly. Turns out they weren’t okay with me being bi.”

“We’re glad to have you here then,” Sammy says decisively. “Family can be shit sometimes, and I’m glad that you’ve been able to get away from them.”

Eva smiles sadly. “Thank you. I don’t think it’s really settled in yet, but I’m proud of myself.”

“You deserve to be proud,” Sammy says. “Now, let’s talk about happier things.”

The rest of the night passes easily and Eva can tell that she’s going to really like Sammy and Patrick. They’re good people and take her coming out with ease. She forgot that plenty of people don’t care about her sexuality, but with a minimal support system back home, it was easy to not remember that. By the time Eva leaves that night, her heart feels fuller and happier than it has in a long time.

When Eva gets back to her apartment, she sighs and makes a list of what needs to be accomplished tomorrow. There’s not much left to do, especially since the bed she ordered had come in a few days ago and she had found a decent couch off of craigslist. Her new job starts on the following Monday, which is only four days away now.

To distract herself, Eva decides to finish all the unpacking the following day, then goes shopping for things to decorate with. She sold most of those things before the cross-country drive, not wanting to hold onto any bad memories. Now she has the chance for a fresh start and it makes her feel light.

By the time Monday morning rolls around, she’s extremely nervous. Despite emails saying that people dress casually, Eva decides to go for a more business casual look, wanting to make a good first impression. She does her best to look like she didn’t stay up all night, then makes the drive out to the office.

“You must be Eva!” someone greets cheerily, once Eva walks in the front door.

“Uh, yes, that’s me,” Eva replies, taken aback by their cheery disposition.

“I’m James, and I’ll be helping you settle into the office,” James explains. “I know this is a lot to take in on a Monday, but today and tomorrow will mostly be orientation and HR stuff.”

“I can handle that,” Eva replies.

James proceeds to show Eva where her desk is and let’s her get settled. He gives her login information for her computer, and then lets her work on settling into her space, along with setting things up with HR. The morning passes quickly, then James is treating Eva to lunch, where they end up visiting a local diner.

“They’re open 24/7 and don’t mind if we stay for hours on end in the middle of the night when we’re trying to meet a project deadline,” James explains, when Eva seems a bit confused.

“Sounds like that’s a common experience,” she snorts.

“Don’t want to scare you off, but you wouldn’t be wrong,” James laughs. “How’s it been so far? I know it’s not that exciting, yet.”

Eva shrugs. “Could be worse. It seems like a good place and like there’s good people here. So, I think I can deal with a couple days of boring paperwork.”

“That’s the spirit!” James says happily. “And I promise that this is an amazing place to work. It’s not all that glamourous, especially since we aren’t a big company or anything, but the culture is what makes people stay.”

“Well, that’s good, glad I took a chance on coming out here then.”

The rest of lunch passes easily and Eva proceeds to spend the rest of the day filling out paperwork. Despite the easiness of the day, she feels exhausted by the time she gets back to her apartment. She reheats leftovers, then goes to pass out on her mildly uncomfortable bed.

The summer passes by quicker than Eva can even process. There’s so much to take in and she doesn’t have time to hurt about her family not asking about how she’s doing. It’s mid-August when she’s hanging out with Sammy, while Patrick preps for school to start up again.

“So, how would you feel coming to a company party with me?” Sammy asks, out of the blue. “It’s in a couple of weeks and I want you to come with me. It’d be fun.”

“Shouldn’t you be going with Patrick?” Eva retorts. “The two of you  _ are _ dating.”

“Yeah, but I always bring him. Besides, I think you would have fun and would get along with everyone,” Sammy explains. “And honestly, Patrick is a bit all over the place this time of year, so I don’t think he’s too keen on going anyways.”

“What’s the vibe like? Is it a stuffy company party where everyone secretly gets drunk to get through the night or one where people actually like each other?”

“People actually enjoy each other there. And it’ll be a barbecue at one of the player’s houses, so it’s a totally chill thing.”

“Oh, well, it’ll be good to meet your coworkers then. I can finally put some names to faces, but I can’t guarantee that I’ll remember anything.”

“Alright, I’ll make sure that you’re on the guest list. Some of the players will be there with their partners, so you’ll have the chance to meet them if you want to.”

“I honestly could not tell you who’s who still, so I probably won’t even know that I met any of them.”

Sammy laughs. “That’ll provide some good chirping material for them.”

“Glad I could be of service,” Eva jokes.

“You’ll fit right in; I promise.”

~ ~ ~

Finally, the day of the barbecue rolls around. It’s still sticky hot, so Eva keeps her outfit simple with a tank top and a pair of shorts. Sammy insisted that the dress code was casual and there’s no need to dress nice. The whole thing is just a chance for everyone to mingle and meet the new people joining the Canes.

Despite still not really knowing any of the players, Sammy tells Eva about a new player that’s coming to the barbecue today. She seems excited to meet whoever the guy is, so Eva tries to remember his name, but forgets it the closer they get to the house where the get-together is being hosted.

Sammy has to park a little bit away, so when the two of them walk up to the house, Eva lets out a small gasp. The house is  _ huge _ and the backyard looks gigantic. She supposes it has to be, to host an office party. However, it’s still a reminder how lucrative being an athlete and sports management can be.

“It’s fucking ridiculous, isn’t it?” Sammy snorts. “Not that I’m complaining, since it always means good food and alcohol, but still. I’m still honestly not completely used to it and I’ve been coming to these things ever since I started working here.”

“This is…a lot,” Eva comments. “But I’m excited to look around.”

Once they get into the house, Sammy drags Eva out to the backyard and introduces her to a bunch of people. Eva immediately forgets all of their names, but just smiles and nods along. After a little bit however, she decides to split off from the group to go get some food. She lets Sammy know and walks off to the other side of the yard. Once she gets her food, someone walks up to her and introduces himself.

“I don’t think we’ve met yet,” he says. “I’m Dougie.”

“Oh, it’s good to meet you, I’m Eva,” she replies. “I don’t actually work here, I’m with Sammy. I guess that makes you coworkers, right?”

“Um, I think? Technically?” he replies, unsure.

“Do you work in management then? Didn’t take you for the type, but I guess I shouldn’t judge.”

“Um, I mean-” Dougie starts to say.

“Dougie, get over here, we need to show you something!” someone else shouts.

He looks apologetically over at Eva before heading over to the group. Eva obviously wants to know what he was going to say, but shrugs it off and walks over to Sammy. She’s still animatedly talking to the same people as before, but smiles over at Eva when she joins the group again. After a few minutes, they head off to grab food as well.

“So, meet anyone exciting yet?” Sammy asks. “There’s a few players and they’ll introduce themselves to anyone new.”

“I might have met your boss? Or management?” Eva answers, still unsure of what Dougie’s role is.

“Oh, isn’t she amazing?” Sam gushes.

“She? Well, I guess I shouldn’t have assumed her gender,” Eva replies, immediately feeling bad.

Sammy looks confused. “Um…I don’t think we’re talking about the same person. My boss is over there.”

She points to a petite woman, with ebony skin. So, definitely not Dougie then.

“Well…that is definitely not who I met,” Eva whispers. “His name was Dougie.”

“You met Dougie? That’s the new player I was talking about!” Sammy exclaims. “We literally talked about this before we got here.”

“I was nervous! I don’t remember things when I get nervous.”

“Did you say anything embarrassing to him?”

“I mean, I basically told him that he didn’t seem like the management type? Because he said he was only technically a coworker of yours.”

Sammy snorts. “Oh my god, I can’t believe you told him that to his face.”

“How was I supposed to know?” Eva exclaims. “And I wasn’t wrong, was I? He isn’t the management type.”

“God, I can’t wait to tell everyone about this,” Sammy says, laughing.

“I’m making such a bad first impression,” Eva groans.

“No, I promise this will only make everyone love you more.”

“Whatever you say,” Eva replies skeptically.

Fortunately, the day passes in a much less embarrassing fashion for Eva. She manages to avoid Dougie the rest of the time she’s there, not wanting to address how badly she made a fool of herself. Normally, Eva likes to think she’s more put together than this, but something about it just makes her feel awkward.

“So, what did you think?” Sammy asks as they head out.

“It was fun,” Eva answers. “Still can’t believe I made a fool of myself in front of Dougie, though.”

“Honestly, I don’t think it’s really going to be that big of a deal. I don’t think he’s the type of player to get mad about someone not recognizing him.”

“Oh, well, that’s good at least,” Eva jokes. “But then again, I doubt I’ll be seeing him again, so I guess I shouldn’t be too worried.”

“Bold of you to assume I’m not dragging you to another event soon.”

“Seriously? Why would you take me to another one of these?”

Sammy shrugs. “Patrick has never been too much of a fan of going and I don’t like going by myself. So, I’ll keep taking you until you get sick of it.”

Eva snorts. “Well, at least you’re being honest. It was fun today besides me being an actual idiot, so I guess I can tag along again. When’s the next thing?”

“We usually have something else when the preseason ends, so probably the end of September at some point. It’s much more relaxed since the players are usually off the walls with the energy to finally start the season again.”

“I won’t ever turn down the chance for decent free food, so count me in.”

“What do you need free food for? You earn just as much as Patrick and I combined in one year.”

“You’re not wrong, but it’s also a hold over from the college days. Some things just don’t change.”

Sammy just rolls her eyes in response. Once they get back to the apartment complex, Sammy drags Eva up to her apartment to tell Patrick about meeting Dougie. Eva is blushing out of pure embarrassment the whole time. She has a feeling that she’s not going to ever live it down, but she guesses there’s worse things to be teased about.

“For someone who’s so smart, I can’t believe you did that,” Patrick says, laughing.

“Oh my god, it’s not my fault half of these guys look exactly the same!” Eva exclaims. “And it’s not like it’s my job to know which one is which.”

“Well, you’re going to have to learn if you’re coming with me to more company events,” Sammy points out.

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Eva groans. “I take back my standing offer of going with you, you don’t deserve it anymore.”

“Sure, whatever you say,” Sammy says. “Besides, what happened to wanting free food?”

“No longer worth it,” Eva replies.

Patrick and Sammy laugh in reply. Eva just rolls her eyes.

“As much fun as I had today, I should probably head out. We have a huge project coming up at work and I know I’m going to be pulling more all-nighters than I want to admit,” Eva says.

“Alright, try to get some rest at least,” Patrick says.

“I’ll do my best,” Eva replies, as she heads out of the apartment.

The weeks pass by in a blur, especially since Eva gets swept up in project deadlines. Before she knows it, it’s the end of September and Sammy is dragging her to the season kickoff party. This time, it’s at a different player’s house, but the place is still as extravagant as the last one. Eva also had made sure to try and memorize a couple of players’ names and faces.

“Hey, it’s…Eva, right?” Dougie says, coming up to her and Sammy.

“Oh yes, that’s right,” Eva replies awkwardly. “And Dougie? Who doesn’t happen to work in management, but is instead a player?”

He snorts. “Yeah, that would be me. The guys still haven’t let me live that one down.”

“Glad I could provide some quality material,” Eva jokes.

“Don’t worry, I’ve made sure that she’s gotten some shit for it as well,” Sammy interjects. “Wanted to make sure the chirping was solid on both sides of it.”

Dougie laughs, and Eva feels herself warming a little at the sound. It’s a good laugh, and she feels a bit odd at admitting the fact. She shoves any thoughts of associating Dougie with being good or cute, not wanting to even go down that road.

“It seems like you’re settling in well,” Sammy says. “Is Raleigh everything you ever dreamed?”

“Ah yes, definitely living out all of my dreams here,” Dougie jokes, good-naturedly. “I do enjoy it here, though. I feel like it’ll be good.”

“Then it seems you and Eva are in the same boat,” Sammy replies. “She’s fairly new in town as well.”

“Oh? What brings you out here?” Dougie inquires.

“If y’all are going to bond over being the newbies, I’m going to go and get some food,” Sammy says, heading off.

Once she’s gone, Eva answers, “I moved out here for work, actually. Moved from Portland, Oregon, so it’s definitely a lot to get used to.”

“You really moved across the country for work?” Dougie says, a bit surprised.

“Yeah, I just…needed a scenery change and Raleigh was the first place that offered a decent job in a place I wasn’t completely opposed to moving to,” Eva explains. “I mean, it wasn’t hard to find computer engineering jobs, so I guess I was able to be a bit picky.”

“Computer engineering? I didn’t take you for the type,” Dougie teases.

“Oh my god, you’re not going to live me that down, are you?”

“The opportunity presented itself, and I didn’t want to pass it up. But seriously, that’s cool, even if I don’t understand what that even means.”

“It’s not much, we just help develop computer hardware and software. Most of the training is in electrical engineering anyways, so it’s not hard to adapt skills across the board.”

Dougie snorts. “It’s not much, she says. That’s still pretty impressive, Eva.”

“Well, thanks, I guess.”

“But I still can’t imagine why you chose Raleigh of all places. Why not New York or Seattle, or whatever? I feel like those places are more known for their tech industries.”

“Seattle was a little close to home for me, and I was also just tired of living in a big city, so moving to an even bigger city was out of the question.”

“That’s understandable, I guess.”

“So, I know you’re a new player here because Sammy mentioned it. But did you sign here or…I honestly have no idea how this works.”

“Nah, I was traded from Calgary.”

“…Is that in Canada?”

“Yeah, that’s in Canada,” Dougie replies, laughing.

“You’re going to chirp me about that too, aren’t you?” Eva groans.

“It’s only fair.”

“Did I miss Eva doing something dumb?” Sammy asks, coming back with a plate of food for herself and Eva.

“Yes, she didn’t know where Calgary is,” Dougie answers.

“Well, I can’t blame her for not knowing. It’s really not that remarkable,” Sammy retorts.

Dougie laughs again, and Eva feels herself blushing a little. He seems like a good person and definitely isn’t hard to look at. She tries to push those thoughts out of her head, knowing that if she manages to develop a crush on him, that it’ll go nowhere. The chances of anything happening between the two of them is slim at best.

“I’ll let the two of you continue enjoying the party, I’m going to go see how everyone else is doing,” Dougie says. “Hopefully I’ll see you later?”

“Oh, you definitely will,” Sammy says, rather ominously.

Dougie smiles, then heads off to where the food is located. Sammy immediately turns to Eva and raises an eyebrow.

“What?” Eva asks. “Do I have something on my face?”

“No, it just seems like the two of you were getting along pretty well.”

“I was just being polite,” Eva says indignantly.

“Uh huh, I’m sure that’s what was going on.”

“Oh my god, you’re the worst.”

“Look, if the two of you become friends, or maybe you know…exclusive, I’m taking all the credit.”

“Nothing is going to happen because we’ll only see each other at these events if I decide to keep coming.”

“Not if I have anything to do with it,” Sammy says, smiling brightly.

“I don’t like where this is going.”

“You’ll be thanking me later, Eva, I promise.”


	2. Chapter Two

_ “You can keep as quiet as you like, but one of these days, someone is going to find you.” _

By the time November rolls around, Eva feels like she’s finally settled into Raleigh and can finally think of it as home. It’s a good feeling, one that she wasn’t expecting at first. But work has been going extremely well and she’s got a few friends now.

There still hasn’t been any word from her family, and while it isn’t surprising, it still hurts that they don’t care enough to reach out to her, especially with the holidays coming up. Eva is complaining about this when Sammy brings up the fact that the Canes are doing a Thanksgiving get-together in a couple of weeks.

“I just know that you won’t be going home, and Patrick and I can’t afford to go visit either of our families right now,” Sammy explains. “And don’t offer to pay for anything again. Just because you have the money for it doesn’t mean you need to spend it on us like that.”

“I know, I just want you guys to be happy,” Eva says. “But…if you really think that they would be okay with me coming, then yeah, I’d love to come.”

“Seriously, it’s not that big of a deal. It’s just a ragtag group of people who don’t have anyone else, so you won’t be out of place.”

“In that case, count me in. I was honestly expecting to spend Thanksgiving by myself, so I think I can handle hanging out with y’all.”

“Eva, did you really think that we would have you spend the holidays by yourself?”

Eva shrugs. “I mean, you guys have family, so it’s not like I was expecting for you to hang around here. And it would have sucked, but I wouldn’t have minded too much. I didn’t celebrate with my family too much anyways once I left for university.”

“That’s shitty,” Sammy says, bringing Eva in for a short hug.

“Yeah, but I got used to it, with it just being my brother and I for a while.”

“Well, consider us your new family. You’re going to be stuck with us forever.”

“I guess there’s worse things out there.”

~ ~ ~

Once the holiday party rolls around, Eva has baked what feels like a million different desserts. Sammy had been insistent that she didn’t need to bring anything, but it’s been a long time since Eva has been able to bake for a large group of people. Besides, it helps get her mind off of her nervousness of seeing Dougie again.

It’s not like she has a crush on him, but he’s exactly her type and if they continue to run into each other, then it’s something she has to get figured out. So, she bakes until she’s unsure of how she’s going to be able to transport it all. Surely there’ll be at least a couple of people who’ll be bribed into helping in exchange for extra dessert.

Once Eva arrives at the house that’s hosting the event, she texts Sammy to bring a couple of people to help her. As she looks at the cakes, cookies, and pies she made, Eva is starting to think she’s made it painfully obvious that she’s been stress baking. But she shrugs it off, knowing that they’ll all probably disappear by the end of the night.

“Jesus, how much did you end up baking?” Sammy asks, a bit of shock in her voice.

She looks over to see that Sammy has enlisted Dougie for help, and Eva is really wondering why this has to be the first time she’s seeing him today.

Eva shrugs. “You said there were going to be players here, I figured they could finish it all.”

“You’re not wrong there,” Dougie replies. “I’m sure we’ll find a way to eat everything, even if we shouldn’t.”

“Well, that’s good,” Eva says. “Let’s get going because this might take a couple of trips.”

When the three of them walk into the house, they’re greeted by a small group that’s hanging out in the living room. Within seconds, they’re there to grab the desserts from their hands, taking them to the designated table.

“Wow, where was the offer for help earlier?” Sammy snorts.

“You didn’t tell us what it was for,” one of the guys replies.

Sammy just rolls her eyes, before heading back out to Eva’s car to get the rest of the desserts. Dougie and Eva trail behind her, laughing as they head out.

“So, couldn’t fly back home?” he asks Eva.

“Oh, she could afford it, but she decided she would rather be stuck with us instead,” Sammy interjects, giving Eva an out from having to explain.

“It’s a decision I’m starting to regret greatly,” Eva says flatly.

Dougie lets out one of his infectious laughs as they get to her car. The walk back is quiet and once they’re all back, Eva gets swept up into conversations with some of the office staff that recognize her from the last two events. She’s a little sad she doesn’t get to see much of Dougie, but it’s probably the best if she doesn’t want to fall halfway in love with him.

Before she knows it, Eva is feeling full and tired. The day passes in a blur, but she feels more content than she has in a while. In a way, it almost felt like the holidays with her family, before everything turned out for the worse. As she gets ready to head out, Dougie comes over to say goodbye.

“Sorry we didn’t get to talk much today,” he says apologetically.

“It’s not a big deal, I get that you’re popular around here,” Eva replies jokingly.

“Still, I’d been hoping to talk to you a bit more. I was wondering if you’d feel comfortable exchanging numbers?”

And, well, Eva can’t say no to that. So, she ends up leaving with leftovers that will last for days and a new number in her phone. She isn’t really sure if anything is even going to come of it, but she can’t help but to hope that they’ll at least become friends. When Eva gets home, she flops on her bed and opens up a new message with Dougie.

Debating what to say, she simply texts,  _ I hope you got a chance to try something I made today, I wasn’t expecting people to like them so much lol _

Once she sends it, she just whispers, “Why the fuck did I send  _ that _ ? It sounds like I’m fishing for compliments now.”

Only a few minutes later, he texts back,  **I think you definitely made enough for me to grab something in time** **😉** **you did good tho, def worth breaking my meal plan for**

_ Oh that’s good then _

Dougie doesn’t reply, and Eva decides she doesn’t want to come off as desperate for attention, so she doesn’t send anything back. Feeling a bit weird about the whole thing, Eva tosses her phone on her nightstand, then pulls up Netflix and falls asleep binge watching tv.

The next week passes by in the same routine that Eva has grown used to. She doesn’t hear much from Dougie, most of their conversations are just her congratulating him on playing well. As much as she doesn’t want to admit it, Eva is a little disappointed. When they exchanged numbers, while she wasn’t expecting them to become close, it would have been nice for there to be at least a little substance to their conversations.

“Look, he’s just someone who appreciates talking in person more,” Sammy says when Eva complains about it.

“Is that you hinting that I need to invite him to hang out in person?” Eva asks, scrunching her nose in disdain.

“Hanging out with Dougie isn’t a bad thing. He’s a pretty chill guy and doesn’t expect you to talk all the time. The dude is huge into museums and shit. I know Raleigh isn’t known for having those, but it’s worth going to.”

“Wouldn’t he have already gone to them if he likes them so much?”

“Yeah, but I doubt he’s gone with anyone. Hockey players aren’t much on casually going to museums with their bros.”

“I guess you’re right. And he won’t think this is like…a date or anything, right?”

“No, he’ll just take it as the two of you going to a museum, nothing more. He’ll probably appreciate the company.”

“Fine,” Eva groans.

“Again, if anything happens, I’m taking all of the credit.”

“I really hate you right now.”

“Love you too, Eva.”

~ ~ ~

Dougie seemed ecstatic going to the museum with Eva. He basically confirmed what Sammy has said, that nobody was keen on going to any of the museums with him. So, on a rare Saturday that he has off, Dougie is dragging Eva to the Natural History Museum. He’s excited about the exhibit that they have on display right now, which is something about puzzles.

“So…is it like a history of puzzles?” Eva inquires, as they walk up to the museum.

“No, it’s all about brain games and engaging with the exhibit,” Dougie explains. “It’s all about being hands on.”

“Oh, that should be fun then. No wonder you seem so excited about it,” Eva replies.

“You should be good at them too, since you’re an engineer.”

“Just because I’m an engineer doesn’t make me smarter than anyone else. It’s not my fault society acts like I know more.”

Dougie just laughs. When they get to the ticket office, Dougie buys Eva’s ticket before she can do anything. She just rolls her eyes, and doesn’t say anything until they’re off to the puzzles exhibit.

“I can afford to buy my own ticket, you know. Engineering is lucrative enough for me to be able to buy my own ticket,” Eva says.

“Yeah, but I’m a hockey player, which is even more lucrative.”

“But have you considered that being a hockey player isn’t forever?”

“I’m one right now though, and that’s what matters.”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I wanted to hang out with you willingly today,” Eva groans.

Dougie laughs loudly. When they walk into the special exhibit area, they both freeze as they take it in. He was right about it being an interactive puzzle exhibit, but apparently failed to notice that it seemed to be for young kids. Parents were standing around, watching their kids run through the mazes.

“Well, at least you’ll be able to solve them now,” Eva jokes.

“Is that a dig at my intelligence?” Dougie replies, faking offense.

“Maybe,” Eva says, a lip tugging at her lips.

“I’m sorry this was a bust, but do you want to take a look around at the other exhibits?” he asks.

“Sure, sounds good to me.”

And that’s how the two of them spend the rest of the morning looking around. As interesting as it is, Eva is more excited about being able to spend time with Dougie. He’s so much more down-to-earth than she was expecting and Eva feels her crush on him growing larger. While that isn’t what she was hoping for, she supposes there are worse people to have a crush on.

“Are you up for getting lunch together?” Dougie asks as they leave the museum.

“Yeah, if you let me pay for it,” Eva retorts. “Let me spend some of my money.”

“That’s supposed to be  _ my _ line,” Dougie protests.

“Well, too bad,” she says, smiling widely.

“Fine,” he groans. “I guess I can let you get away with it this time.”

They end up going to a small café only a few blocks away and grab a small table in the corner. Conversation flows easily as they eat their lunch, and Eva finds herself enjoying herself a little too much. Besides Sammy and Patrick, it’s been a long time since she’s found someone she genuinely likes hanging out with. Sure, she hangs out with James and other coworkers on those late nights in the office (or diner), but it’s not the same thing.

“I had a good time,” Dougie says, as he walks Eva back to her car.

“Yeah, me too,” Eva replies. “We should do this again. I’m sure I can hang out during the week, as long as I make it up during the weekend.”

“You don’t have to do that for me,” he says, frowning. “I’m sure I can find some more weekends at some point.”

“It’s really not that big of a deal. I’ve had to come in during weekends before, it’s not an unusual experience.”

“If you’re sure…”

“Dougie, I wouldn’t be offering if I wasn’t sure.”

“Okay then,” he says, smiling softly.

On Eva’s drive back to her apartment, she feels herself smiling stupidly. She really enjoyed being around Dougie and the thought of them hanging out again warms her heart. When she gets back to her apartment, Eva notices that Dougie has already text his schedule for the next couple of weeks. They manage to find a time for them to get dinner the following Wednesday. No matter what Eva thinks, she keeps saying that it’s not a date.

~ ~ ~

By the time Wednesday rolls around, Eva is freaking out. While she knows that it’s not a date, she still wants to make a good impression. Sammy is teasing her about it, but helps calm her down.

“Look, you said that it’s not a date, so just wear what you would wear if we were getting dinner,” Sammy says.

“Right, of course,” Eva whispers.

This helps her settle on a casual outfit, and Sammy soothes her a little more before heading out. Dougie sends her a text not too much later telling Eva that he’s waiting outside her apartment. When she heads down to the curbside, she looks around, trying to find him. She hears a honk from a car nearby, and sees Dougie waiting inside.

“You know, I didn’t picture you driving a  _ Yaris _ ,” Eva teases. “It’s smaller than I was expecting.”

Dougie snorts. “You’re not the first person to say that. But it was the only rental they had when I first came here and I got attached to it.”

“Only you would get attached to a car,” Eva jokes.

“Why is it that you  _ always _ find something to tease me about?”

“Well, it’s not like you make it that hard.”

“I feel like I should be more offended than I am.”

Conversation continues to flow in an easy banter as they head to the restaurant that Dougie had picked out. It’s a small family owned Hawaiian place that has been around for a while, with great recommendations. By the time that they get there, Eva is feeling much more at ease than she had earlier in the evening. Dinner continues in a similar fashion, with small jokes and talking about what Eva does.

“So, I can come to you with computer issues?” Dougie asks.

“I guess I could try,” Eva replies. “But that’s more IT than engineering.”

“Thought I would ask anyways,” he says. “So, uh, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Uh, yeah?” Eva replies, a bit confused.

“So, um, I know that this might seem sudden, but I was wondering if you might want to go on a date sometime?” Dougie asks hopefully.

“Oh, Dougie, I…” Eva starts to say.

“Was I reading this wrong?” he replies, face falling.

“No, no, it’s just…let me explain,” Eva says, sighing. “I’m openly bisexual and while I figure that you probably have no problem with it, because you seem like a great person, but…I know how bad the sports community is about this kind of thing. And while I’m sure things might be fine; I also know that people go digging for things.

“I had a girlfriend back in university and I still have pictures of us on my Instagram together. We’re still good friends and those are still happy memories for me. I don’t want to have to hide that part of me and while I might be overreacting…I need to look out for myself, Dougie,” Eva explains. “So, while this isn’t a no, I do need to think about it. And I need you to think about it too, because if people end up talking about it…”

She feels like she laid herself completely bare, letting Dougie see more than she was planning on. But…Eva thought about this over the last few days, and wants to let her concerns be known. Dougie seems to still be processing the news, taking time to consider everything. She appreciates that he isn’t rushing to an answer.

“While I can’t say that I really get it, because I don’t, I understand why you would be nervous,” Dougie says, measuring his words carefully. “I’ll wait for you, though. I know that we honestly don’t know each other all that well, but I know that you’re worth waiting for.”

“Thank you,” Eva whispers. “It’s a lot to take in, I’m fully aware of that, but it’s something that I’ve been thinking about.”

“Oh, so you’ve been thinking about going on a date with me?” Dougie jokes.

Eva blushes. “Was that not obvious?”

“It’s just nice to get a little bit of validation.”

Eva just rolls her eyes. The rest of dinner continues in a comfortable silence, Dougie obviously processing everything that he was told. It was obviously a lot for Eva to trust him with everything she told him, so he decides to let her set the pace of what happens next. He doesn’t want to push her too much.

“We can still hang out if you want to,” Eva says softly, as they walk back to Dougie’s car.

“Yeah, I would like that, if you don’t mind,” he replies. “Even if we decide dating is off the table, I still want to be your friend.”

Eva smiles at this, and it helps ease her a little bit. Things are comfortable on the drive back to her apartment, and before she heads out, she gives him a tight hug. Once she gets up to the apartment, it feels like it’s only a few minutes later than Sammy is knocking on her door to get all the details.

“He asked me on a date,” Eva says.

“And?” Sammy asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I told him I would think about it. I just…I don’t want to have to hide my sexuality again, that’s why I moved down here to Raleigh. No matter how much I like him, if he can’t handle me not hiding it…I don’t want to date him,” Eva explains. “And I’m honestly not sure if I could handle shitty comments either. Like…I know it’s not all that likely, but there has to be a few people that’ll say  _ something _ .”

“That’s shitty that you even have to think about that,” Sammy replies, hugging Eva briefly.

Eva shrugs. “It is, but it’s the reality of the situation.”

“Do you want to date him though?”

“Yeah, he seems like a great guy. If we didn’t have to think about all of this, I would have said yes in a heartbeat.”

“Then I think that’s something to remember,” Sammy says. “Well, I’ll get out of your hair, I just wanted all the deets right away.”

Eva snorts. “Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate it.”

“You always have me and Patrick, no matter what.”

Eva gives Sammy another hug before she leaves. Sighing, Eva gets ready for bed and mulls over everything that happened. She wants to say yes, wants to text Dougie about it, but she knows that she has to think about it more seriously now. And so does he, and Eva prepares for the minor heartbreak if he decides that she’s just not worth the trouble. But whatever happens, the end result will be worth it.

The more she thinks about it, she feels like she could handle whatever happens as long as Dougie is okay with it. Having his support would mean a lot to Eva, and as long as things don’t get too bad, she feels like she can handle whatever happens. Besides, it’s not like she’s a player that’s coming out, so things shouldn’t be nearly as bad.

A couple of days pass before Eva gets a text from Dougie that just says,  **I was wondering if we could meet up to talk about what’s going on?**

_ Yeah, but could we do it at one of our places? _

**I could come to your apartment. I feel like you’d feel more comfortable there**

_ Oh, yeah, that would actually be nice. Are you free any time tomorrow? _

**I can come over in the evening, once you get off work? I can bring dinner.**

_ See you then  _ _ 😊 _

Time seems to either go too fast or two slow. Eva barely remembers anything that happens at work the next day, and James doesn’t ask if she wants to work late, seeing that she’s a little bit out of it. Once she gets home, Eva paces aimlessly around her apartment, unsure of what to do. When she hears a knock on her door, she practically runs over to open it.

Dougie is standing there, with a bag of takeout. Whatever it is, Eva guesses that it isn’t meal plan approved. But she considers that with the conversation they’re having tonight, a bit of junk food won’t be too bad.

“Uh, come on it,” Eva says, stepping to the side to let him in. “You can set this down in the kitchen.”

Once he’s set down the food, Eva leads him to her living room, and they both take a seat down on the couch. It’s quiet for a moment, neither really knowing what to say. She’s unsure if she wants to go first, since her answer depends on what he’s thinking.

“So, I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” Dougie says. “And I can only imagine how hard it was for you to tell me what you did. You being bi, it’s a big part of who you are, but it’s not going to impact how much I want to date you. I want to date you because you’re an amazing person and that hasn’t changed. I know that it could turn out badly because people are shitty, but…we can figure that all out together. Admittedly, I don’t know what I can do to support you, but whatever that looks like, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you,” Eva whispers. “I’m still a bit scared, it’s hard not to be, but I want to date you. You’re a good person and I feel like things could be good between us.”

“So, you want to date me?”

Eva snorts. “Yeah, I think I could do that.”

Dougie smiles brightly, then it dims a little. “Does this count as our first date?”

“I don’t see why not,” Eva says, shrugging.

“This isn’t how I imagined it going,” Dougie replies, scrunching his nose. “But I guess there’s no time like the present.”

“I admire your positivity.”

Dougie laughs, and Eva smiles brightly. It’s good to hear his laugh again, and Eva gets excited thinking about how she can hear it even more now.

“You know, I think your laugh is my favorite part of you,” Eva says.

“You’re really picking my laugh over my dashing good looks?” Dougie asks, feigning offense.

“Unfortunately,” Eva sighs.

There’s still so much that Eva has yet to tell Dougie, about why she left home and why she’s scared for people to find out about them. But there’ll be time for that in the future, and she doesn’t want to ruin the moment.


	3. Chapter Three

_ “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they’re watching their life fall apart and all they can do is stare blankly.” _

Deciding to date Dougie is one of the best things Eva has decided to do. They’ve been together for a little over a year now and things have been going better than she ever imagined. There’s been some difficult comments towards the beginning of their relationship, but everything seems to have settled for the most part.

At the moment, Eva is chilling at Dougie’s place, watching his game against the Blue Jackets. She then sees him go down, and not get up. It’s not unusual to see a hockey player go down, but something about this feels different. As she watches the scene unfold before they go to commercial break, Eva feels her heart drop.

It might not be anything serious, but something tells her that this isn’t going to be good. As much as she wants to see the outcome of the game, she isn’t sure if she can keep watching the game, so she turns on some trashy reality show. The wait to hear  _ anything _ from Dougie or one of the trainers is excruciating. While she’s waiting, she somehow falls asleep on the couch, and is woken up by a loud ringing. When she sees that it’s Dougie, Eva picks up the phone immediately.

“Dougie, are you okay?” she asks.

“It’s actually Dave, one of the trainers,” he says awkwardly. “He’s fine, but it’s better if it’s someone else talking right now.”

“What happened?”

“It’s looking like he broke his fibula, so he’s at the hospital getting it all fixed up,” Dave explains. “He’ll be on his way out in the morning back to Raleigh. I’m assuming you’ll be able to pick him up?”

“Yeah, of course,” Eva says. “How’s he taking it?”

“About as well as you would expect. But he hasn’t been super coherent. He’ll be bringing back some paperwork with him that you can take a look over tomorrow.”

“Thank you for calling.”

“Of course,” Dave says. “I’ll let you go back to sleep; I know that it’s late over there.”

Once he hangs up, Eva goes up to Dougie’s room and gets ready for bed. She feels like she’s getting ready in a daze, unsure of how to process everything that’s happened. It feels unreal, like it isn’t really happening. It’s bad, but hopefully it isn’t a career-ending injury. It especially sucks that this happened right before the All-Star game, she knows that it meant a lot to Dougie that he was picked to go. All that she can do know is to text James and let him know that she won’t be coming into work the next day.

By the time Eva is headed to pick up Dougie, she feels like a bundle of nerves. She can only imagine what Dougie is feeling like right now. Everything seems to be happening so fast and she’s unsure of how to comfort him. Eva hasn’t had to help him through any major injuries yet. It’s bringing back memories of home that she pushes back. Now is not the time to remember what happened in her past.

She pulls up to arrivals at the airport and sends a text to Dougie about where she is. It’s only a few minutes before he finds her and is putting his stuff in the back of the car. He slips into the passenger seat quietly and doesn’t say anything on the drive back to his house. There’s not much to say, and Eva doesn’t want to push him to talk.

Once they get to his house, she grabs his bags before he can even make a move to take them. He sighs, but doesn’t say anything, which is a testament to how shitty he must be feeling. When they get inside, she sets it down in the entryway closet, then drags him up to his room and makes him lay down.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Eva asks quietly as she lays down with him.

He wraps himself around her, and is quiet for a few moments. She lets him think about what he wants to say.

“I…I don’t think I’ll be able to come back this season. Maybe if we get into the playoffs, but I’m not sure,” he whispers. “This was going to be my season.”

“It was,” Eva says bluntly. “But now we’re here and I’ll do whatever I can to support you. Just let me help you however I can.”

Dougie then starts crying, and Eva shifts them so that he’s laying down on top of her. She strokes his hair and murmurs comforting words as he lets it all out. Eva isn’t sure how long they lay there together, but she’d lay here forever if it meant that Dougie would feel better. It hurts her seeing him like this, and Eva is determined to do her best to be there for him.

“I just hate that this happened. I was finally finding my stride and now, I don’t know what’s going to happen,” Dougie whispers, voice rough from the tears.

“I’m sorry that this happened to you,” Eva whispers. “Something kind of like this happened to my brother before I moved out here and it was terrifying. But…I’ll be there for you.”

“Can you tell me about it?” Dougie whispers. “It might make me feel better.”

“There isn’t a happy ending,” Eva replies. “So, I don’t think it’ll make you feel all that good.”

“I still want to hear. You never talk about your family and I want to know more about them.”

“Just tell me to stop if it becomes too much,” Eva says. “My brother, Lucas, was the only person in my family who supported me after I came out. He was there for everything and did his best to support me. When my ex-girlfriend and I broke up, I was a mess, even though I knew that breaking up was the right decision. He decided to drive over to make sure I was going to be okay.

“On his drive over, Lucas got t-boned by a drunk driver. It was fucking horrible, and I didn’t know what was going on. He just…didn’t show up and my parents didn’t tell me what happened for two days. I was panicking because he wasn’t answering his phone and my parents weren’t replying either.

“By the time I got to see him in the hospital…things were pretty bad. He had broken so many of his bones, and blood was getting to places it shouldn’t be. The doctors weren’t sure if he was going to make it out or not. And, uh, he never did. I never got to say goodbye to him and I couldn’t stop blaming myself for him dying.

“To be honest, I still blame myself to this day for what happened. Because if I hadn’t told him about the breakup, he still might be here. I mean, this means I would probably still be back in Portland, but Lucas would still be alive,” Eva explains. “God, this probably isn’t what you wanted to hear and I’m making it about me.”

“No, no, I wanted to hear,” Dougie whispers. “And…I’m glad that you told me this. Why haven’t you said anything before this?”

“I just…I still feel guilty sometimes. Plus, I feel like it’s just a lot to bring up, you know? It’s not exactly a happy story.”

“But it’s a big part of who you are. And I just want to be there to support you however I can. I mean, it’s what you’re doing for me.”

Eva smiles sadly. “Still probably wasn’t a good time to dump it on you.”

Dougie shrugs. “I would have stopped you if it was too much.”

“You know, last year was the first time I didn’t visit his grave on his anniversary in a long time,” Eva whispers.

“Why not?” Dougie asks, confused.

“I’m honestly not sure. I just…I feel like I wanted to try and let that part of me go. I miss him, of course I do, but I don’t know if I’m making things worse by holding on.”

“You aren’t. He’s important to you and there’s no reason to not visit him. If you want to, I’d like to go with you.”

“It’ll be in May, so if you’re in the playoffs, I don’t think it’ll happen.”

“Might not be fully healed by then.”

“You will be,” Eva says definitively.

“I hope so,” he whispers.

They don’t say much more, just laying there until it’s time for Dougie to take his pain medications with lunch. Things are subdued, but Eva just lets the silence continue. She isn’t sure what to say, unsure of how Dougie wants to be comforted. He seems content with how things are at the moment, and she hopes that he’ll bring up what he needs.

During the weekend, Eva is able to care for him full-time, so when Monday rolls around, she’s nervous. She makes sure to lay things out for him to make it so that he doesn’t have to move around all that much. Even as she kisses him goodbye, there’s still a little bit of worry she carries with her into work.

Logically, she knows it isn’t exactly like what happened with Lucas. But the thought of someone she cares about being hurt and not being there to help, it scares here. Eva makes sure to text Dougie periodically throughout the day to check in on him. He just sends her a thumbs up most of the time, and it frustrates her, even though she can’t put her finger on why.

“How are you holding up?” James asks. “I saw that Dougie took a pretty hard hit and I’m guessing that’s why you’re so stressed out.”

“Yeah, I’m just paranoid I guess,” Eva answers. “And like…it’s a fractured bone, he’s not going to die from it, the recovery just takes a while.”

“The worst that’ll happen is probably him being restless as hell. I can’t imagine taking it easy comes all that natural to a professional athlete.”

“I know you’re right, I just can’t help it,” Eva groans.

“He’ll make it out just fine,” James says. “Now, fill me in on the new clients, are they going to be assholes?”

“Well….” Eva starts.

Thankfully, it seems that James will be keeping her busy at work, which Eva is extremely grateful for. Sammy and Patrick also swing by Dougie’s place to drop off some more of her personal belongings so that Eva can stay long-term with him. Eva feels a bit bad about it, but she’s grateful that her friends are willing to help her so much. It helps ease some of the tension she’s carrying.

“How are you feeling?” Eva asks Dougie, as she walks back into his house.

“Not too bad,” he answers. “I feel like I’m going to be extremely bored the next few weeks.”

“I’m sorry I can’t keep you company.”

“It’ll be fine, I’ll just keep bugging the guys when they’re out of practice.”

Eva smiles a little. “Well, as long as you’ll be fine, that’s all that matters.”

The next couple of weeks pass by in a routine of doctor’s visits, work, and making sure Dougie is okay. Eva senses that something is bugging him, but whenever she asks, he doesn’t say anything. She does her best to brush it off, because maybe she’s overreacting, but there’s just something that’s rubbing her the wrong way.

“Are you sure you’re fine?” Eva asks for what feels like the millionth time.

“Yes, Eva, I’m fucking fine!” Dougie yells. “Quit asking.”

Eva flinches and shrinks back a little. “You know what, I’m going to head back to my place for a little bit.”

“Eva, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell,” Dougie apologizes. “It’s just…you’re being a little overbearing right now. I can’t handle it and you need to take a step back.”

“No, no, I get it. Let me know if you need anything that one of the guys can’t do,” Eva replies, tears threatening to spill over. “I hope you feel better soon.”

He doesn’t even try to stop her as she grabs her purse and heads out. Once she gets in her car and starts driving back, she starts sobbing. She knows that she was being a lot, but for Dougie of all people to yell at her…it doesn’t make her feel great. And Eva knows it’s because she’s thinking of her brother, which isn’t a fair comparison. What happened with Lucas is extremely different than what’s happening with him, but Eva can’t help herself.

When she gets back to her apartment, Eva feels odd being here. She’s been with Dougie constantly the last couple of weeks, and even before then, they stayed at each other’s places frequently enough for her to get used to staying with someone else. Sighing, she decides to text Sammy and tell her what’s going on. Only a few minutes later is she down in Eva’s apartment, sitting in the living room.

“I know I’m overreacting and it’s just so stupid,” Eva groans. “I feel like I’m being such a shitty girlfriend right now.”

“I won’t deny that you might be a bit overbearing right now, but that still doesn’t give him a right to yell at you,” Sammy says. “He should have told you what was going on, but you should have also told him what was happening with you.”

“This whole thing fucking sucks,” Eva whispers. “I knew I was being too much and that none of what was going on was logical. I should have stopped once I realized what was happening.”

“Yeah, that was kind of bad, but…I know trauma doesn’t always leave us with nice after effects.”

“It wasn’t traumatic,” Eva says firmly, even though she knows Sammy is right.

“Eva, you know just as well as me that what you went through was traumatic. This should have been something you’ve told Dougie a long time ago. Does he even know what you went through?”

“I told him about my brother, and my family.”

“All of it or just about why your brother was important to you.”

“Just about why he was important to me.”

“Well, the two of you should talk about what happened more once things have cooled down.”

“I don’t know if he’s going to want to see me again,” Eva whispers, tears falling from her face.

“Oh, Eva,” Sammy says, hugging Eva tightly. “Dougie is stupidly in love with you and he’s going to want to make this work. He isn’t the type to give up on someone because of a fight.”

“But this was more than just a fight. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want anything to do with me after how I’ve been acting.”

“He knows that it’s because you care about him. You didn’t go about things all that great, but things will be fine once you sit down and have an adult conversation with him. I know him and I promise that things will be just fine.”

“I hope so.”

“Now, let’s watch a movie to get our minds off of everything,” Sammy says. “Do you have any X-Men movies?”

“I think so?” Eva replies, grateful that Sammy is sticking around to help distract her.

Eva isn’t sure which one she picks, just the first one she finds. The two of them curl up on the couch and watch as all the action unfolds. Neither of them really bothers to keep up with the story line, but then perks up a little when Xavier says something that sticks with her.

“Just because someone stumbles and loses their way does not mean they’re lost forever,” Xavier says on screen.

“Oh,” Eva says.

“Seriously? Is a fucking X-Men movie going to get through to you, but not your best friend?” Sammy exclaims.

“Oh my god, shut up,” Eva mumbles. “Let me have my moment.”

Sammy just laughs and then curls back up with Eva to finish watching the movie. Eva mulls over everything and knows that she needs to talk to Dougie. But…she decides to wait until he texts her, wanting to make sure that she isn’t pushing him too much. She’s already done enough of that and wants to make sure that they get better on his terms.

A week passes and she doesn’t hear anything from him. Eva is worried, but she also doesn’t want to push him. James seems concerned when she volunteers for long shifts the whole week, but he doesn’t say anything, knowing that Eva would tell him if something was really wrong. It isn’t until Sammy comes by that Eva is forced to think about Dougie again.

“Why am I hearing from the guys that the two of you haven’t talked in a week?” Sammy asks as she walks into Eva’s apartment.

“I just wanted him to reach out to me on his own terms,” Eva answers. “I was pushing him too much before, I didn’t want him to think that he had to apologize because I was reaching out to him.”

“Oh my god, you’re both idiots,” Sammy groans. “Apparently Dougie isn’t reaching out to you because he’s worried that he was too harsh.”

“Seriously?” Eva says. “Is this you telling me that I need to text him?”

“Yes, he’s been insufferable apparently. He keeps texting the guys non-stop, even if he doesn’t need anything. Next, he’ll move onto the office staff. Please for the love of god reach out to your boyfriend.”

“That sounds…awfully dramatic.”

“You know that he’s secretly dramatic when he needs to be,” Sammy points out. “Anyways, that’s all I came by to say. I didn’t want you pulling the ‘oh, I didn’t see your text’ move.”

“Have I told you that I hate you?”

Sammy smiles. “I love you too, Eva.”

Once she’s left, Eva sighs and pulls up Dougie’s contact.


	4. Chapter Four

_ “I really don’t know what ‘I love you’ means. I think it means ‘Don’t leave me here alone.’” _

Eva and Dougie both agree that they need to talk in person to make sure that they’re fully understanding what’s going on. She’s extremely nervous as she heads over to his house because she doesn’t want to make things even worse. What she has with Dougie is one of the best things to happen to her, and to lose an important relationship like this…it would devastate her.

When she gets to Dougie’s house, she lets herself in. He told her that it would be easier for her to just let herself in since he isn’t supposed to be moving all that much still. She takes it as he’s already been moving around too much. As she walks in, Eva sees Dougie passed out on the couch. Rolling her eyes, she takes off her shoes and sits down next to him.

“You know you shouldn’t be sleeping like that,” Eva says, waking him up.

“Oh god, I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he replies, rubbing at his eyes. “I’m glad you came though.”

“Of course, I came,” she whispers. “Do you want to talk here?”

“Yeah, that works for me.”

“Do you need anything before we start?”

“No, I just want to apologize.”

“Dougie, you have nothing to apologize for. I was being too much and I should have realized what I was doing. It wasn’t fair to you and I get why you were so angry,” Eva explains. “And I had my reasons why I was acting like I did, but that doesn’t excuse what happened.”

“Yelling at you wasn’t great either.”

Eva shrugs. “Yeah, it didn’t feel great, but I can understand why you did.”

“Looks like we both have our reasons,” he whispers. “I never want to do that again.”

“But we will and we need to talk about it instead of me just running away like I did. I’m sorry about that, by the way. I wanted for you to reach out to me because I didn’t want it to feel like I was pushing you into apologizing for something you weren’t sorry for.”

“Why would you think that you were pushing me? I knew that things weren’t great for you back home. While I don’t know the full extent of what went on, I should have known yelling was an extra shitty thing to do. Nobody likes being yelled at, but from what you’ve told me…it was worse than normal.”

“Things happen, I get it. But…I really am sorry, Dougie. I can’t promise that I’ll magically be better, but I’ll work on it. And you need to tell me when I’m being too much because I don’t always know what’s too much and what’s not enough.”

“I promise I will,” Dougie whispers.

And then he’s dragging Eva into a kiss. She kisses him back, deepening the kiss. He tries to drag her into his lap, but she pulls back.

“Dougie, I know what you’re trying to do because this always leads to something else, but you’re in no state to get up to anything on the couch,” Eva snorts.

“Fine, help me to the bedroom then?” Dougie asks, a devilish look in his eyes.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe that I’m dating you.”

He just smiles and holds out his hand to be pulled up. Eva sighs, and then helps him up to his room. It’s hard supporting going up the stairs, especially considering their height difference, but she figures that this isn’t going to be the hardest thing that they have to go through on his road to recovery.

~ ~ ~

Things aren’t smooth sailing at first. There’s a lot of frank conversations about what’s too much and Eva doing her best to adapt. It’s hard, and there’s plenty of disagreements. Dougie concedes on quite a bit more than he was willing to at first. He’s starting to see how important it is to Eva for her to be able to care for him.

“I can get one of the guys to drive me to my doctor’s appointment,” he points out, when he and Eva are looking at his schedule for the next couple of weeks. “You don’t need to keep taking time off of work.”

“I just want to be able to be there for you. And if I’m going to be here to help take care of you, it’d be nice to know what to do,” Eva replies, brows furrowed.

“Eva, I know that you have some big projects coming up and I promise that I’ll be okay being on my own for a little bit. And I’ll make sure to take notes, whatever it means that you’ll be okay with going into work.”

“I just…I feel like I need to make up for something that hasn’t happened yet,” Eva whispers. “I think it might be because I wasn’t able to be there for my brother, so I’m just going overboard with trying to make up for that. It’s so illogical because you’re going to be fine and there’s nothing to worry about, but it’s just hard.”

“I can’t imagine how hard that was, and I know you want to help, but I promise you that I’m not going anywhere. I’m on track to get better and things will be fine, as long as I keep going to PT and following the doctor’s orders.”

Eva smiles a little bit. “I know, which is why I’m just so frustrated, mostly with myself. I promise that I’ll try to work on it more, but I can’t promise that it’ll be better right away.”

“You can start by letting someone else take me to the doctor’s appointment next week,” Dougie says tentatively. “It’s just a simple check-up and I’m probably not going to get too much new information. And I’ll call you right after, if that makes you feel any better.”

“Yeah, that would be nice,” Eva says. “I’m sorry for making it such a hassle to even just go to the doctors.”

“We’re talking about it, and that’s the most important part of it all. As long as we keep talking about it, we’ll be just fine,” Dougie replies, trying his best to be reassuring.

There’s a lot of frank discussions over the following weeks, mostly Eva trying to make sure that Dougie has some sort of independence during this time. Things never escalate to the point before their fight, and they’re both grateful for it. It’s hard for Eva, though, being so honest about her life before Raleigh, but she knows that talking through it all helps Dougie understand where she’s coming from. It also seems to help Eva realize how much she needs to step back.

They’re laying on the couch one night, after another long conversation, watching nature documentaries. Dougie has himself propped up a bit, so he can keep his leg elevated a little. Eva has curled up on his side, figuring that this was the easiest way to cuddle at the moment.

“I have something to ask you and I want you to be completely honest,” Dougie says as they’re starting the new Planet Earth series.

Eva is a little worried how serious he sounds, so she adjusts herself so she’s turned more towards Dougie, so she can make it apparent that he has her full attention.

“I was wondering if you would want to move in with me?” he asks. “I just love having you here and while I know it’s kind of messy sometimes, being with you all the time is kind of a dream come true.”

“You’re such a sap,” Eva snorts. “But…yeah, I think that would be nice. When I was back at my apartment after our fight, it felt weird, kind of wrong in a way? And you’re not too bad to be around.”

Dougie snorts. “It’ll be nice having you around more. Once I start playing again…it’ll be nice knowing that we won’t have to work around my schedule to try and see each other.”

“Yeah, that will be nice,” Eva whispers, leaning over to kiss him.

The following day, Dougie practically shoves Eva out the door to start packing her apartment up. She complained that they didn’t have to move in together right away, and her lease isn’t up for a couple more months, but he’s insistent that he doesn’t want to have to wait around if they don’t have to. Eva just rolls her eyes and tells him that he’s lucky she still has boxes from when she moved last.

When Eva gets to her apartment, she sends a text to Sammy, telling her to come down to her place. She figures that it’s probably better to tell her best friend that she’s moving in person. It only takes thirty minutes for Sammy to knock on her door.

“So, what do you have to tell me?” Sammy asks as soon as she’s let in the door.

“Well, uh, Dougie and I might be moving in together?” Eva answers, a little unsure.

“Wait,  _ really _ ?” Sammy exclaims. “This means I win the bet!”

“There was a  _ bet _ ?!”

“I mean, it’s obvious the two of you are totally in love with each other and we were all just wondering how long it would take. A lot of people thought it would be sooner, but I’m pretty sure I was the closest.”

“Why does this sound like it was more than just you and Patrick betting on it?”

“So, uh, maybe a good chunk of the front office was involved? And some of the players?”

“Good lord, I wish I could be surprised but…”

Sammy snorts. “Thank you for helping me win the bet, though. Means I’ll help you move in if you want to. I wouldn’t normally offer and make Dougie help you but considering you probably don’t want to push him too much, I guess I can lend a hand.”

“I appreciate your sacrifice,” Eva replies, laughing. “And I don’t even know if this is going to make any sense, but for a while after Lucas died, I felt like I almost didn’t really exist in a sense? I was just floating through life and it’s why I impulsively moved across the country. Raleigh was just another place, but finding you, Patrick, Dougie…everyone here, something about it grounded me and made me feel  _ real _ again.

“This feels like such a dumb thing to get emotional about, but I feel like you all helped remind me that I matter and that what I’m doing has an impact. I know that this is just a long tangent to basically just say thank you for being my friend and it’s going to suck living in a different place from you now. I guess this is just making me realize how thankful I am because there’s moments where I forget how bad things used to be.”

“Oh my god, you’re going to make me  _ cry _ ,” Sammy cries. “But we’re here to take care of you, no matter what. No matter how fucking resilient you are, we’re always going to be here for you. And I’m going to miss you too, but you’re going to love living with Dougie. If anything goes wrong, which I really doubt, Patrick and I will be there in a heartbeat to kick his ass.”

Eva and Sammy hug tightly for a moment, before letting go. Sammy insists that they start packing things up immediately, seemingly on the same track as Dougie of getting Eva moved in as quickly as possible. Eventually, Sammy calls Patrick to tell him to come help.

“If I didn’t know any better, it would seem like you wanted me to leave,” Eva says as Patrick comes in to help.

“No, we just know that Dougie will be annoying the crap out of you to just move in,” Patrick replies. “Besides, his house is a lot nicer than this apartment.”

“I feel like I should be insulted,” Eva jokes.

“He’d be insulting us as well, considering we still live here,” Sammy says.

“How is it that I’m moving into a house before the two of you?” Eva inquires, a hint of disbelief in her voice.

“Not all of us have extremely lucrative jobs  _ and _ a rich boyfriend,” Sammy sighs dramatically.

Patrick rolls his eyes. “We just haven’t settled on a place yet; Sammy is just bitter that we don’t have the same exact aesthetic choices.”

“It’s not my fault that your ‘aesthetic’ is frat boy chic,” Sammy says.

“Y’all can argue about this elsewhere because I didn’t sign up to listen to this,” Eva replies. “Besides, it sounds like the two of you have talked about this too much already.”

Sammy and Patrick just mumble a little under their breaths, but continue helping Eva sort out what she’ll be taking to Dougie’s and donating. By the time dinner time rolls around, it feels like they’ve barely accomplished anything, but Eva guesses that it won’t take long for her to pack everything into boxes since there aren’t too many things she has to take to Dougie’s.

“Dear god, how did you manage to accumulate so much random shit in the almost two years you’ve been here?” Patrick complains, after he orders some pizza.

“A lot of it sounded cool at the time,” Eva replies, shrugging. “I was always planning on using it or regifting it at some point, but there was too much of it for me to look at it without getting anxious about it.”

Sammy and Patrick laugh a little before flopping onto the couch. The rest of the night is just spent hanging out with each other. Eva feels content, and it’s been a long time since she’s felt that way. She wonders at how lucky she is, to have such supportive friends and an amazing boyfriend. There’s a small part of her that wants to share it with her family, but she knows that wouldn’t lead down a road she wants to go down. So, she just basks in the glow of being utterly and completely happy.

When May rolls around, Eva is still thinking about flying to see her brother or not. She wants to go, but is unsure of what to do. As much as she wants to see him again, Eva feels unsure if it’ll be worth it to just reopen old wounds. Dougie can tell that she’s been thinking about it a lot.

“Would it help if I came? I’m not sure if that would be weird or not,” Dougie says one night after dinner. “And since we didn’t get into the playoffs this year, I won’t have to worry about my game schedule.”

“I honestly have no idea. I want to go and see him again, but…the thought of going back home scares me. I moved out here to get away from it, but I feel like my family is winning if I don’t go back, you know? Like they managed to scare me enough to not want to go visit my brother.”

“Well, I think it might be good to go back. And I’d love to come with to support you, but if that would be too much, I’ll stay put.”

“I think…I think I would want you to come,” Eva whispers. “I know you won’t be properly meeting him, but it would still be nice for you to see him. And it’ll be nice for me to show you where I grew up too.”

“I’d love to come with you,” Dougie says. “Maybe it’ll be a chance to make some better memories.”

“Okay,” Eva says softly.

Planning the trip is harder than Eva expected. Not in the sense of finding a good flight or somewhere nice to stay, but she can feel the nervous energy building up the closer their leaving date is. Dougie does his best to comfort her, but he’s unsure of what best to do. By the time they’re on their flight out at the end of May, Eva just feels like a bundle of nerves.

Dougie holds her hand tightly through the whole flight, as they grab their bags, and head to their hotel. She doesn’t say much, but she does her best to show that she’s managing okay. It feels weird being back in Portland, a place that she’s tried to remove herself from. The memories are slowly starting to come back, but Eva does her best to shove them back. They don’t have much planned for the day, since it’s the late afternoon now, so the two of them decide to order in room service for dinner.

“How are you holding up?” Dougie asks. “That’s probably a dumb question but…”

“I’m…doing better than I was expecting. It’s nice to have you here if I’m being honest. Knowing that you’ll be here is helping a lot.”

“I’m glad I could help,” Dougie says, kissing her briefly.

They don’t talk much about the visit to her brother’s grave that they have planned for the next day. Dougie had been hesitant to go the day after they arrive in town, but Eva had been insistent that she wanted to have a couple days of them just exploring Portland. She wants to have happy memories in Portland, ones that aren’t tainted by her family. Dougie had relented after that.

When they wake the next morning, there’s a noticeable tension in the air. Even though she knows her family won’t be there, Eva is a bit fearful of what she might find. The drive out to the cemetery isn’t a long one, thankfully, so it doesn’t give her much time to think about the what-ifs. Once Dougie parks the car, the walk out to Lucas’ grave is silent, other than the occasional bird singing.

Eva sits down in front of Lucas’ grave when she sees it. Dougie takes a spot next to her, and grabs her hand. She isn’t sure what to say, there’s so much that’s happened in the last two years that she’s been to visit him. And Eva knows that she doesn’t have to visit him to tell him about things going on in her life, especially since she isn’t even sure if he can hear her.

“Losing my brother was the hardest thing I had to go through, even worse than having my family stop talking to me. Having them leave my life was fine because I had Lucas with me,” Eva explains. “When he died…I feel like he should have been placed among the stars, like in the myths. He did so much for me and I never got to say goodbye to him. Now he’s here, laying in the ground, bound to be forgotten because I’m the only one who ever comes to visit him.”

Eva starts sobbing, and Dougie holds her tightly. She’s not sure how long they sit there, with her crying into his shoulder. There’s nothing dignified about it, there’s no cosmic shift in the universe. Everything just…stays the same, except now Dougie is here. And that means so much to Eva, which just leads to another round of her crying.

“God, I’m sorry I’m such a fucking mess,” Eva croaks.

“No, no, don’t worry about it,” Dougie whispers. “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. And…I’m glad I get to meet him. Being here is important to you, and for you to let me in, I appreciate it so much, Eva. I’ll do my best to make sure that he’s remembered. He deserves to be remembered.”

“I just hate that he’s eventually going to become just another name in the sea of gravestones. I mean, I don’t know these people’s stories and I just don’t know what to make of it, I guess.”

“It’s a lot to take in, but as long as we remember him, that’ll have to be good enough.”

They sit there in silence for a little while longer, and Eva gets up to head back to the car. Dougie stays sitting down, and she raises an eyebrow when he doesn’t get up.

“This might be a weird request, but can I talk with him a little bit? Would that be weird?” he inquires.

“Yeah, sure,” Eva replies, confused.

~ ~ ~

Once she’s far enough away, Dougie turns back to Lucas’ grave. He sits there for a few moments, unsure of where to start. He wasn’t planning on this, but it seems like the right thing to do, something that Eva will appreciate.

“So, um, Lucas, I know we don’t know each other, but I’m in love with your sister,” Dougie says, feeling a bit weird talking to a gravestone. “And I plan on loving her for a long time. I know that I don’t need permission to ask for her hand in marriage, because that seems a bit old school, but I wanted to say something anyways. I plan on loving her for a long time, supporting her however I can.

“I might not be the best at it because I don’t really know what happened with her and your family. But I’m going to do my best and make sure that she feels loved every single day of our lives. It’s kind of scary, knowing that you’re going to be in love with someone forever, but I’m excited that I get to be in love with someone like Eva.

“Whatever happens, I promise I’ll try to be as good of a man as you were in being there for Eva. We’ve gotten better at communicating and just being there for each other. So, uh, I guess that’s really it. I guess…I guess I’ll see you next year, granted that Eva doesn’t tell me no when I propose to her.”

As Dougie walks back to the car, he feels a sense of peace wash over him. He knows it probably isn’t Lucas, but he likes to think it is, that he’s giving Dougie some reassurance. Dougie knows that he might be moving a little fast with Eva, they’ve only been together for a year and a half, but there’s some things he’s just sure of and spending the rest of his life with Eva is one of them.

“So, what took you so long?” Eva inquires.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” Dougie replies.

~ ~ ~

It’s late July now and Raleigh is deep into the syrupy heat of summer. Normally, Dougie would find himself going home during the summer months, but he doesn’t want to leave Eva alone for the summer since her work is still here. He hasn’t made much headway in proposing to her, but he has a ring picked out and is just waiting for the right moment to ask.

They’re sitting in the backyard, watching the sun go down as they talk about everything and nothing. There’s a certain ease that Eva hasn’t felt in a long time and she wants to be able to do this forever. She knows that it might be too soon to be thinking about forever with Dougie, but it’s hard when the possibility is just too good to ignore.

“Eva,” Dougie says a bit seriously, when there’s a lull in conversation.

“Yes?” she replies, unsure of what to make of his tone.

“I…I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I want to know what you think,” he says, as he shifts in his chair so he can look at Eva. “I know that we haven’t been together for a super long time. I mean, it’ll be two years in December, but that’s still months away. But…I’ve been thinking about our future and I can see there being a forever for us. This isn’t really the grand proposal that I had imagined, but…I just wanted to ask. To see what you thought.”

“Oh,” Eva says. “Forever sounds nice, doesn’t it?”

“Is…is that a yes?”

“Yeah, that’s a yes.”

Dougie lets out a small laugh before tears start falling. He stands up, and pulls Eva up as well, then kisses her deeply. She wraps her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. When he pulls back, she looks at him, a bit confused.

“Not that I didn’t like where this was going, I wanted to tell you something else,” Dougie says, smiling a little. “I, uh, remember when we went to go visit your brother?”

“Yeah? I don’t see what this has to do with this?”

“Well, um, remember how I wanted to stay there for a bit longer? I wanted to let him know that you had found someone who loves you a whole lot. And…that I would try to be there for you just as much as he had. It felt like the right thing to do, to let someone who had been there for you through everything to know that you still have a support system.”

“Oh, Dougie,” Eva says softly.

She rests her head on his shoulder and hugs him tightly as she starts crying. Dougie whispers soft nothings into her ear, trying his best to comfort her. They stand there until Eva’s tears stop and she pulls back, rubbing her tears away.

“Sorry for being such a mess,” she whispers.

“You have nothing to apologize for. I know that it’s a hard thing to talk about and I’m sorry if it wasn’t a good time to bring it up.”

“Dougie, you have nothing to apologize for. The fact that you talked with him…that means a lot to me. I know that he’s dead, but…there’s something comforting about knowing that he might know that things are better now. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this safe and happy, and so much of that is because of you. I never could have imagined finding someone like you.”

Dougie gives her a quick kiss before saying, “I don’t like to put too much stock into fate or whatever, but it’s a nice thought that we’ve found each other because it’s what we  _ both _ needed. Whatever happens next, wherever life takes us next, I can’t wait to do all of it with you by my side.”

“You’re such a fucking sap.”

“Don’t try and deny that you love it, because I know you do.”

“You’re the actual worst,” Eva says, rolling her eyes.

“I love you too, babe,” he replies, smiling widely.

_ “My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It's happened before, it will happen again, I'm sure. When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive--I'll find love again.” Paul Coelho, The Zahir _


End file.
